IN PROCESS
Notes on Shame
“Shame arises from the universal wish to be loved.” — Christopher Germer
Despite being one of the most universally experienced and painful emotions, shame remains an often overlooked and misunderstood phenomenon. This is because most shame states sit outside of our awareness. Procrastination, perfectionism, low self-esteem, disordered eating, and addictions; an anxious preoccupation with image or approval; the inability to accept compliments or tolerate feedback; and the inability to be vulnerable or in need of anyone are just some of shame’s guises.
When we trace these threads back to their historical origins, we usually find stories of broken connection and self-blame. Something about us deems us unworthy of connection, protection, and care. This sense of “badness” generally leads us to want to hide and avoid others’ perceived scrutiny, and there is no thought or hope of resolution. Unlike guilt, shame concerns the whole Self and not just one’s actions.
Despite how painful it is to turn on oneself, shame has a protective and pro-social function. Its job is to safeguard our place within our social milieu. When we do something, real or perceived, to threaten this, shame shows up in a powerful way. It can be hard to put into words when shame has saturated our experience. A full-blown shame reaction is agonising to suffer. One reason shame feels so intense is that it feels like our very survival is at stake. This is because as children, we’re oriented by attachment–the primary evolutionary system to keep us alive. A threat to this bond was an existential threat.
In adult life, shame manifests as a hidden, unnamed, and pervasive occurrence. Simply being able to name, ‘this is shame,’ is important to working with shame’s charge. How would you give language to the experience of shame? Where does it show up in your body? Some people describe feeling it in their stomachs—a sensation of being swallowed up from the inside. Others describe it as a constant background anxiety that they’ll be exposed or humiliated in some way. While others describe it as a heavy blanket of dissociation, a dense field that envelops them, obstructing connection.
The next time you find yourself in this hard-to-name place, I want to offer three consolations borrowed from the work of Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer:
- Shame feels blameworthy, but is innocent.
- Shame feels lonely and isolating, but is universal.
- Shame feels permanent and all-encompassing, but is transitory.
If shame signals a threat to one’s social relationships, then connection is the best medicine we have.