IN PROCESS
Notes on Anger
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl
Everyone experiences anger. Anger isn’t a bad or negative emotion that we simply want to avoid; it is a powerful messenger and is important for the healthy functioning of relationships. It allows us to have a separate self and to assert our boundaries. It can be helpful to think about the expression of anger as existing on a continuum. At one end, we have those who tend toward internalizing anger, and at the other end, we have those who tend toward externalizing anger. When we find ourselves at either end of a continuum, moving toward the centre point helps us to find balance.
If you tend toward externalizing anger, coming into balance is about developing more internal awareness; taking the time to understand what’s happening below the surface. Anger often shows up to protect a more vulnerable emotion. Ask yourself: what is the feeling beneath the anger? And then, what is the need beneath the feeling? For example, you have a work deadline looming and you notice frustration building. Beneath the frustration, there might be anxiety or exhaustion. If we drill down a little deeper, there may be a need for more support at work, or more rest at home. However, what typically happens in this pattern is we take our frustrations out on those around us. When we externalize our frustrations in this way, we are unable to communicate in a way that makes intimacy possible. This actually exacerbates anxiety by creating an increasingly alienated environment. A more balanced approach is about learning how to connect to the need beneath the anger and communicating from this space.
If you tend toward internalizing anger, coming into balance is about finding your voice. For example, you might typically avoid asserting limits and boundaries in relationships in order to avoid conflict. This is sometimes referred to as a fawn response. What typically happens in this pattern is we placate or accommodate those around us in order to regain a sense of safety. This is a highly adaptive strategy in childhood but in adulthood can lead to a feeling of alienation from self. A more balanced approach is about learning how to advocate for oneself. Boundaries are necessary for healthy self-esteem.
When temperatures are high, we tend to see people rather than patterns as the problem. It can be helpful to remind ourselves of our intrinsic goodness and the goodness of others, and to refocus our energy on the issue rather than the person. If you find yourself in a situation where things are escalating, take a time-out and come back to the topic later. When it comes to healthy anger, we want to honour its message while still deciding thoughtfully what we do with the energy that it provides us.